...And Then There Were 6

I've written a lot over the past year, but emotions were high and after settling down and doing more thinking and praying, I felt it best to keep some of the details to myself so many posts have gone unpublished.

If you've kept up with any part of this blog or read the last post, long story short, the twins are ours - forever. The other little boy we had been fostering went back home right before Christmas. It's been a year and a half since he left. We often wonder how he is doing...we hope he is well, but it's hard not knowing...

We went thru an agonizing week long jury trial in which I had to testify. We learned that things were much worse than we had imagined, but in the end of it all, the jury chose to terminate parental rights and grant us the privilege of adopting these precious boys.

The adoption has been finalized for about 8 months now. The boys are ours to cherish and love and protect - forever. We don't take this responsibility and what happened lightly, we pray often for their birthparents, and we pray these boys will grow to love Jesus with all their hearts.

6 Little Words

(I actually wrote this back in January 2018, but never published it...I figured it was time...more to come.)

This past Wednesday was supposed to be the last visit our foster boys would have with their biological parents before mediation and the jury trial to terminate rights in order for us to adopt. I don't know what the future holds, but I wanted to make this visit special for the parents.

The twins and I had been working on a craft for the past 2 weeks. I was a little bummed because my final pieces needed to complete the project had not arrived yet. Flooding up north delayed my package indefinitely. My daughter graciously let me have a few of her Lego pieces and miniature glass figurines to sub for the missing craft items. The final touches were put on the special crafts that morning and they were wrapped up and ready for the visits that afternoon.

I didn't have any expectations going into the visits. I just wanted to encourage the twins mom to be truthful in the upcoming mediation and jury trial. Her boys futures depended on it.

Before I could even get the words out of my mouth, mom boldly and matter-of-factly said, I have something I need to tell you. "I want you to adopt them." 

6 little words.....Tears started streaming down my face. I could find no words to say at that moment. Just tears of relief and shock and happiness and joy. She went on to tell me a few of her reasons why. In that moment, she spoke with such courage and strength and wisdom that I had never seen from her before. She was putting her boys first and thinking of them and their futures above her own. It was then that I realized how extremely difficult all of this must have been for her. I honestly had no idea what to do next. All I could do was cry, give her a hug, tell her she would always be the boys biological mother, and that I would always encourage her to have a relationship with her boys and that I would always keep her in tune with what was happening in their lives.

We both knew this was only half the battle and the boys Dad would likely never agree to this and that there was still a long road ahead with the upcoming mediation and jury trial. Mom wanted to protect her boys tho and that was enough at the moment to overshadow the unknowns of Dad.

I got into my van and started off. Part way down the road I had to pull over. I was crying so hard! It all hit me. Mom had just made one of the hardest and most sacrificial decisions she had probably ever made in her life. My heart just broke for her! I had always wanted her to get better and had always wanted her to succeed, but now more that ever! She still had the chance to get better, to make something of her life, and to stay connected with her boys all while knowing they were safe and loved and cared for. Should the adoption take place, what a beautiful story of love and sacrifice her boys will hear one day 💕

They are my sons...even if just for a moment

They are my sons...even if just for a moment...

Oh how I wish these moments could last forever! From the second these little bundles of love were brought to our home, they were my sons.

I loved them from the moment I saw them. They were so helpless, in such a state of neediness. Every waking moment was spent with my husband and kids and I doing round the clock rockings and feedings...even if just an ounce at a time stayed down or it all came up and we had to start all over again. 

So many sleepless nights, so many doctor appointments trying to figure out digestive issues, bowel issues, formula swaps, and endless amounts of diapers changes. Oh my! The diaper changes...I feel as if I have changed enough to last a lifetime - or more. 

And somehow, somewhere along the way, little personalities started to bloom. What were screaming little balls of hurt and frustration and blank stares turned into little baby boys who cooed and smiled and babbled and took in their surroundings and studied these strangers loving them.

We were there for the first smiles, first laughs, first crawls, first words, first steps, first hugs and kisses...Oh, the hugs and kisses are the best!

Yes, these are my sons. I love them just as much and no different than the precious son and daughter I gave birth to. 

...but there is One who loves them more.

I don't know what the future holds for any of these children, but God does. Some will stay and some will leave...I don't want any of them to ever leave, but God holds their futures.

They were His children first and He loves them so much more than I ever could.  So when the fear and the worry of the unknown begins to creep in, I must trust in God because they were His sons before they were ever mine.

God knows...and that's enough...

For foster parents, some days are hard. Some days it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Some days you can't get the thoughts or the worry or the uncertainty out of your mind. 

What then of these children and youth? How unbearable is all of this for them? How do their little (or big) minds comprehend what is going on? How do they cope with all the uncertainty or instability? This isn't something they can opt out of or say no to. This is their life. They didn't choose this. 

The least we can do as Christians and adults is come along side them and let them know they aren't alone and that they are loved. Surely the reality of some of these children never knowing love or what family truly means outweighs our comfort and our desires and the fear we may have of having to let them go...surely... 

So, I sit here listening to this song, watching 2 sweet little boys laugh and play and splash around in the bathtub, and I cry because I have no idea what their future holds...but God does...and that is enough to get me through the hard days...

New Appreciation...

Sometimes, I think I can watch these little guys sleep all night long.

I've been down this road before...rocking babies and chasing toddlers. My bio kids are 13 and 14, yet starting over with these boys, it all feels new. 

Fostering has given me a deeper appreciation of my job as a mom and the little lives entrusted to us.

Getting up for what seems like the 50th time in the night somehow isn't as horrible as I remember it being because my eyes have been opened. I know there are children whose cries in the night go unanswered, children who are sick or scared with no one to comfort them, children whose parents are too strung out or hung over to even care. 

But not these boys...not tonight.

Tonight, these boys are safe and warm and loved.

The Unthinkable...

It's been a while since I've written (even if I'm ever the only one to read it). Life was just too chaotic to try to concentrate on putting my thoughts down. I also want to be careful not to overshare. It's not just MY life, but OUR life and I want to be careful to protect THEIR privacy.

So....we were on our way to go camping when the unthinkable happens...

The boys, our precious twins, we coming back into care and would we be willing to have them placed back with us. Um! Hello? You didn't even have to ask...when and where; we will be there!

It had only been about a month and a half, but it felt like and eternity to me. So many emotions! Happiness that I would get to hold them again, but sadness over the events that brought them back.

It has been a rollercoaster ever since with 3 little ones and 2 teens in the house, but we have loved every second of it...well, almost...I was NOT fond of Poopageddon, but that's another story for another time...maybe ;) 

Can My Heart Handle This?

About a month after the twins went back home, we decided to do a little respite care again. After all, the twins had been with us for almost a year and even tho things were settling into a new normal, my heart still hurt. I needed to know if I could handle this again. 

A family requested respite for their foster son. A little thing called Hurricane Harvey had turned their lives upside down and they needed a break. In comes 2 year old G-man with loads of energy to spare. 

Ready or not, here he comes!

The first week that G-man was with us, we took down and stored away one of the baby beds. We boxed up all the toys and other items that were too baby-ish for him. The last little remnants of the twins were being neatly packed away. G-man kept us busy and the week ticked by.

At the end of that week, we were asked if we would make his stay with us permanent and become his new foster parents. His other foster family was still dealing with the aftermath of Harvey and would be for sometime to come and this mischevous little guy was a lot to handle right now. 

We said yes, and just like that, we had jumped back into the rollercoaster of foster care.

His former foster family sent over tons of things with him when he was moved to our home. All of his clothes now hung in the closet or were neatly packed into his cubbies. All of his toys were now scattered about the living room and his bedroom floor. A new forward facing carseat was now taking up a spot in our van 

.........and life ticked on.

It had been a while since we had gone anywhere or done anything outside of our normal routine, so we made plans to go camping at a Jellystone park. There was lots to do for both big and little kids so it was a good mix for everyone.

About 2 weeks after G-man was officially placed with us, we were off for our trip. We were looking forward to getting away and really taking our minds off of everything that had happened over the past few months, relaxing, and having a little fun.

Then, about 1 hour into our drive, the unthinkable happened....