Can My Heart Handle This?

About a month after the twins went back home, we decided to do a little respite care again. After all, the twins had been with us for almost a year and even tho things were settling into a new normal, my heart still hurt. I needed to know if I could handle this again. 

A family requested respite for their foster son. A little thing called Hurricane Harvey had turned their lives upside down and they needed a break. In comes 2 year old G-man with loads of energy to spare. 

Ready or not, here he comes!

The first week that G-man was with us, we took down and stored away one of the baby beds. We boxed up all the toys and other items that were too baby-ish for him. The last little remnants of the twins were being neatly packed away. G-man kept us busy and the week ticked by.

At the end of that week, we were asked if we would make his stay with us permanent and become his new foster parents. His other foster family was still dealing with the aftermath of Harvey and would be for sometime to come and this mischevous little guy was a lot to handle right now. 

We said yes, and just like that, we had jumped back into the rollercoaster of foster care.

His former foster family sent over tons of things with him when he was moved to our home. All of his clothes now hung in the closet or were neatly packed into his cubbies. All of his toys were now scattered about the living room and his bedroom floor. A new forward facing carseat was now taking up a spot in our van 

.........and life ticked on.

It had been a while since we had gone anywhere or done anything outside of our normal routine, so we made plans to go camping at a Jellystone park. There was lots to do for both big and little kids so it was a good mix for everyone.

About 2 weeks after G-man was officially placed with us, we were off for our trip. We were looking forward to getting away and really taking our minds off of everything that had happened over the past few months, relaxing, and having a little fun.

Then, about 1 hour into our drive, the unthinkable happened....

The End of 'The First'

To be sure, foster care is a CRAZY roller coaster of emotions. 

It feels like yesterday that the boys were placed with us, and just like that, 10 months later, they are gone. Did we give good enough goodbyes? Did we say 'I love you' one last time? Did we remember to send everything? Do they know how much they are loved? Do they wonder where we are? Do they wonder what is happening? Are they scared? There's a storm brewing...do they need comforting from all the noise? Do they miss us? Do they need extra hugs and cuddles today? What is going through their little minds? 

I really can't adequately describe how I am feeling. I cry...a lot...at any given moment in time. My big kids don't even think my bursts of crazy crying are even weird anymore. It's normal to them now. My heart hurts. I look around my house and still see them everywhere. 

All the alphabet refrigerator magnets have been put back on the fridge when just the day before 2 mischievous little boys had knocked them all off because it was more fun to slide them all over the kitchen floor instead. The toys that we kept behind that were scattered all over the house are now neatly stacked in their baskets. That favorite monkey toy they adored (that we bought an extra of so they could take one home) now sits silent on a box in the corner of the room. Excersaucers they no longer wanted to be in since they learned to walk sit motionless stored away in their room. Their room...those empty baby beds filled with memories of sleepy happy baby faces that greeted us every morning. High chair trays still sitting on the kitchen table needing to be cleaned from the shenanigans that went on the day before at dinner time. And my heart...my empty yet full hurting heart...

So, here I sit...in a silent house, with a near empty box of tissues, in front of a tear drenched keyboard, trying desperately to believe that 'it is well with my soul'.