The End of 'The First'

To be sure, foster care is a CRAZY roller coaster of emotions. 

It feels like yesterday that the boys were placed with us, and just like that, 10 months later, they are gone. Did we give good enough goodbyes? Did we say 'I love you' one last time? Did we remember to send everything? Do they know how much they are loved? Do they wonder where we are? Do they wonder what is happening? Are they scared? There's a storm brewing...do they need comforting from all the noise? Do they miss us? Do they need extra hugs and cuddles today? What is going through their little minds? 

I really can't adequately describe how I am feeling. I cry...a lot...at any given moment in time. My big kids don't even think my bursts of crazy crying are even weird anymore. It's normal to them now. My heart hurts. I look around my house and still see them everywhere. 

All the alphabet refrigerator magnets have been put back on the fridge when just the day before 2 mischievous little boys had knocked them all off because it was more fun to slide them all over the kitchen floor instead. The toys that we kept behind that were scattered all over the house are now neatly stacked in their baskets. That favorite monkey toy they adored (that we bought an extra of so they could take one home) now sits silent on a box in the corner of the room. Excersaucers they no longer wanted to be in since they learned to walk sit motionless stored away in their room. Their room...those empty baby beds filled with memories of sleepy happy baby faces that greeted us every morning. High chair trays still sitting on the kitchen table needing to be cleaned from the shenanigans that went on the day before at dinner time. And my heart...my empty yet full hurting heart...

So, here I sit...in a silent house, with a near empty box of tissues, in front of a tear drenched keyboard, trying desperately to believe that 'it is well with my soul'. 

A Knife Through the Heart

Our very first foster loves went back home after having been with us from the age of 2 months to 13 months. 

We have tried hard to maintain a good relationship between the bio parents. We've been told we could come to special things in the future like birthday parties, sending Christmas gifts, etc (but I'm uncertain if that will actually ever happen). At the last visit with mom, she said, "dad and I don't want the boys to ever know they were in foster care...so..." 

I felt like I was stabbed in the heart with a knife. The last 10 months flashed thru my mind...round the clock feedings, numerous doctor visits, sleepless nights rocking babies to sleep, first words, first smiles, first steps, wiping tears, all those hugs and cuddles...erased in an instant. I'm sure mom didn't mean it this way, but her words cut deep. I was speechless and for those of you who know me, you KNOW I'm never at a lack for words. The man who oversees the visits could tell I was about to bust out crying and jumped in and said, "just say she is a family friend".

 ...A family friend...it's a hard transition to make going from foster mom to 'family friend'. It's a hard thing giving your babies on loan back. So, this morning, I prayed for all of the foster families. 

Know that you are loved and treasured and that what you are doing matters and makes a difference for the better in the lives of these precious children even if we are the only ones that remember.

The Beginning of 'The First'...

When the twins were placed with us late one Friday evening, we had no idea what we were REALLY in store for.  I mean, we had an idea. After all, we had raised two children (now teens) already and they were just 16 months apart, so that was similar to having twins, right? 

These sweet boys were our first placements. They arrived at 2.5 months old and were just tiny little things, but boy did they have big voices! These boys screamed so loud they could easily drown out a whole herd of cats fighting over the last piece of tuna. And the spit up! No, not spit up. I've seen spit up and THIS was not spit up. This was everything they had consumed throughout the entire day, maybe even throughout the entire week.

Imagine trying to care for these littles all while trying to concentrate on hearing important details and information about them on top of signing what seemed like an endless amount of paperwork. It was a lot to take in all at once, but we survived, the workers left, the dust settled, and then there was just us.

Our wild-eyed teens oohed and aahed over the babies. They had no idea what our family was in store for either, but they were ready and willing to help.

We had about a 2 hour notice that the boys would be coming, so we had enough time to get their room and beds ready. They arrived with a can of formula, 2 bottles each, 2 beany babies, and 2 little onesies. My husband made a mad dash to the store that evening for a few more things as we had no idea what the twins would come with or what exactly we would need.

Needless to say, we got NO sleep over the next few weeks. It took both me and my husband getting up around the clock, nearly every hour at first, to feed the boys an ounce or 2 at a time as that was all they could tolerate. Looking back, I honestly don't know how we survived the first month. Well, I do know. It was God. He equipped us with what we needed when we needed it. 

We were in and out of the doctor's office the first few months trying to get them healthy and to get their little digestive systems on the right track. A few months into it and they were doing great. Life went on, routines were established, and before long, it felt at this was the way things had always been...